Exposed and Real

264lbs.  There. I said it.  That was my weight this morning.  Depressing as hell.  Particularly since I weighed three pounds less than that on Thursday when I last weighed myself.  (Not to mention that I weighed 244 just 6 months ago...damn!) Reasons for the current little gain?  Oh...lots of wine with friends, that donut that I was not adult enough to say no to, that delish veggie pizza (with cheese...damn), the too-spicy pad see eiw that I still managed to eat half of, the cookies that were just sitting there that I didn't walk away from...I think the reasons are evident.  What really, royally, well and truly sucks the hardest is that I did two killer hard hikes since Thursday and I have been working really hard on the exercise piece....only to feed myself poison (sugar) and excess (I ate the whole pizza and about 8 cookies...and the Thai) that negate (at least in terms of weight) the hard work. See that ass in the pic?  I want to lose that ass.  And the gut. And the thighs. And the sagging arms. I really don't feel as big as I look in that picture...but even if the camera adds 10lbs...I'm still way too frickin' big.

This is coupled by the fact that I had a lil' breakdown when I read that my sister is pregnant again.   It's not that I am not happy for her...because I really, really am.  It's just that the first thing that came into my head was, "Everyone is having babies but me" and the second thing was, "You are no where near where you need to be physically to have a baby...get fucking serious about getting healthy."  It threw me into a funk during our hike up Little Si of bashing myself and hating every picture that Tom took of me.  "I have 5 chins." "Oh, gawd, look at that fat roll." "I'm sweating like a pig."  "This was so much easier last summer...I can't believe I let myself go like this." Thankfully, Tom called my on me shit and I realized that beating myself up (a very easy habit for me to slip into) was only perpetuating the pain, guilt and self-loathing that helped make me fat in the first place.  Bottom line...I am living a healthier life than I've lived in a long while, I am stepping in the right direction for weight loss, and I can (and will) get pregnant when the time is right.

This morning I woke up thinking...you said you needed to be more accountable...but doing a blog that almost no one knows about and then not sticking to your promise to yourself...obviously not enough.  So...I thought...Weight Watchers.  I've done it before and it works and there is a lot of accountability there.  I got online, ready to go...and then stopped.  The price.  Here I am, spending more money on things. I need to stop spending money...period.  I will never get to Brazil or buy my own skis if I am nickel and dimeing myself with things like Weight Watchers..."eat more cheaply" was one of my big goals, too.  So...I went looking for free solutions.  I found one (at least for now)...I logged onto Livestrong (I already "use" the iPhone app to track food...or at least, I kinda did a while ago...hehehe) and did a public "dare to lose weight"...and have already had several responses and folks chiming in to help.  I'm also thinking about starting a Meet-up group for Vegheads that want to lose weight...because there is no such group in the area that I can find.  I'm still thinking about it...but having a group of folks that were in my situation and eat the same things as I do would be really helpful.  Until then, I am making a renewed pledge to "bite it and write it" and be honest about what I am putting in my mouth.  Yes...I'm not eating meat...but I am eating a lot of crap...and forcing myself to write it down will make me think twice before it hits my lips.

I am unpacking (still) and as soon I find the tape measure, I am going to do the dreaded body measurements. I know from my past forays into weight loss that even when the scale doesn't move, the body can still be shrinking.  Tom & I are locked in on 5:30 workouts every weekday morning with hiking/outdoor exercise each weekend...so something some where's gotta give.