This is coupled by the fact that I had a lil' breakdown when I read that my sister is pregnant again. It's not that I am not happy for her...because I really, really am. It's just that the first thing that came into my head was, "Everyone is having babies but me" and the second thing was, "You are no where near where you need to be physically to have a baby...get fucking serious about getting healthy." It threw me into a funk during our hike up Little Si of bashing myself and hating every picture that Tom took of me. "I have 5 chins." "Oh, gawd, look at that fat roll." "I'm sweating like a pig." "This was so much easier last summer...I can't believe I let myself go like this." Thankfully, Tom called my on me shit and I realized that beating myself up (a very easy habit for me to slip into) was only perpetuating the pain, guilt and self-loathing that helped make me fat in the first place. Bottom line...I am living a healthier life than I've lived in a long while, I am stepping in the right direction for weight loss, and I can (and will) get pregnant when the time is right.
This morning I woke up thinking...you said you needed to be more accountable...but doing a blog that almost no one knows about and then not sticking to your promise to yourself...obviously not enough. So...I thought...Weight Watchers. I've done it before and it works and there is a lot of accountability there. I got online, ready to go...and then stopped. The price. Here I am, spending more money on things. I need to stop spending money...period. I will never get to Brazil or buy my own skis if I am nickel and dimeing myself with things like Weight Watchers..."eat more cheaply" was one of my big goals, too. So...I went looking for free solutions. I found one (at least for now)...I logged onto Livestrong (I already "use" the iPhone app to track food...or at least, I kinda did a while ago...hehehe) and did a public "dare to lose weight"...and have already had several responses and folks chiming in to help. I'm also thinking about starting a Meet-up group for Vegheads that want to lose weight...because there is no such group in the area that I can find. I'm still thinking about it...but having a group of folks that were in my situation and eat the same things as I do would be really helpful. Until then, I am making a renewed pledge to "bite it and write it" and be honest about what I am putting in my mouth. Yes...I'm not eating meat...but I am eating a lot of crap...and forcing myself to write it down will make me think twice before it hits my lips.
I am unpacking (still) and as soon I find the tape measure, I am going to do the dreaded body measurements. I know from my past forays into weight loss that even when the scale doesn't move, the body can still be shrinking. Tom & I are locked in on 5:30 workouts every weekday morning with hiking/outdoor exercise each weekend...so something some where's gotta give.
